How to Make Sure Your Human Vessel Doesn't Go Insane
by AndroidSoul
Summary: "Headman, what happens after death?" That was a fairly good question, and to be honest, he really didn't have an answer, because this sure as heck wasn't normal. GEN OC-As-the-middle-child-to-Mikoto-and-Fugaku
1. Chapter 1

Unfortunately, Fugaku Uchiha captured a criminal, which in an alternate universe, might have escaped him.

Unfortunately, He came home that night happier than usual.

Unfortunately, Mikoto Uchiha had found a new book in the public library, written by the Sannin Jiraya.

Unfortunately, she was waiting for her husband when he came home.

And then, nine months later, a four year old Uchiha Itachi sat in the waiting room, alone, as his father was with his mother, listening to the sounds of her screams.

Unfortunately, Kazue Uchiha was brought into out kicking and screaming.

* * *

Lewis Mitchellson was a man. He was twenty one years old, fresh out of college with a major in neuroscience, and a minor in theater. He had his life together, and planned on retiring early, and maybe owning a cat.

He most certainly was not this tiny, squalling female who was barely a year old, with no official manner of education, and part of some cultist family who's older members whispered of rebellion and loving the clan, serving the clan, _being_ the clan, _youmusn'tgoagainsttheclaneverlittlekazue_ -

He also wasn't entirely in control of his own body, just riding along, really. Unable to control any part of the child, but still able to communicate with her. Despite all that, he was quite comfortable. Kazue was a mature child, no doubt do to his influence, of course, and her mindscape had been constructed to fit his needs. The children in this world are expected to mature and grow faster than his home world, so Kazue's advanced mind went without a second glance, fortunately.

It was a large library, with two sides. One was his, a tall shelved, intimidating structure overflowing with books-memories- and sorted to fit his needs. Kazue's side was haphazard and small, which he tried to convince her to sort several times, but she always giggled and waved him off. It was irritating, because he wasn't able to go to her side of the library to fix it.

For some reason, he was able to recall every single experience that had ever happened to him. This was a new, but not unwelcome, feature of his life, that was often useful when he needed psychology and child raising books for Kazue, and was bored enough to watch reruns of various TV shows.

Kazue was also irritatingly cheerful. He didn't know where she got it, really. Her mother was calm, with soft smiles and light huffs of laughter, her father was stern and hard-faced, and her brother was making a valiant attempt at being a mixture of the two.

Her endless optimism and hope was also was the only thing that kept him from going insane, though, so he supposed that made up for it.

* * *

Kazue didn't exactly know why nobody else had Headmans, she only knew that Headman told her that Headman was the only Headman in existence, and she shouldn't tell anyone about him because people might think she's- she shudders at the thought- _weird_.

Headman says that being weird was the absolutely Worst Thing Ever and she should do all she can to be Not Weird, because, in a direct quote from him, _"From what I have observed of this world, people are constantly on the lookout for 'weirdness' in order to exploit it and use it for their own means. You must never appear to be anything out of the ordinary, do you understand? They will take you and break you and_ _change_ _you."_

Kazue didn't want to be changed. She liked who she was right now, with Headman and Okaa-san and Otou-san and Onii-san!

' _And,'_ she thought, ' _her cute little Otouto who Okaa-san is picking up at the hospital right now!'_ She was practically vibrating where she sat next to her older brother, Itachi. Her meager amount of hair pulled up in a short, childish ponytail on the top of her head and her Uchiha-standard black eyes flashing with excitement.

She jumped up and rushed to the door when she heard it open.

"Okaa-san!" She exclaimed, as she hadn't seen her in two days. Okaa-san… looked different. Her tummy wasn't big anymore.

' _Headman, why is Okaa-san smaller?'_ She asked, as she usually did when she had questions. Headman was silent for a moment.

' _... The female parent… has to eat a lot in order to feed the baby, so her stomach is made larger. After she picks up the baby, she feeds it all that she ate, so she's… smaller… now.'_

Oh. That made sense, as most things Headman says do.

"Ah! Kazu-chan, come quickly!" She did so, and peered down at the bundle of blankets her mother held out to her. "This is Sasuke, your baby brother!

In her mind, she felt Headman had a "revenacation" or whatever he called it. She was too busy staring at the sack of squirming flesh that was inexplicably adorable, despite its scrunched up face.

Meanwhile, 'Headman' as he was now dubbed, was searching frantically through the memories of his aunt's family, who had taken him in when his mother died and his father had all but abandoned him at age thirteen, for his little sister figure's section. When he found it, he searched through the files for her rants on various shows and characters she watched.

Ah. There it is

The previously annoying, time consuming, fast paced rants might now be his saving grace.

The file of conversation labeled _'The fudging gumdrop Hershey hole that is the Uchiha clan, with particular focus on Sasuke Uchiha.'_

He immediately set to work, filing and re-filing and searching for every name, place and event that was mentioned in other files

And whoo boy, were there a lot.

* * *

 **AN: Hi! I wanted to write an Uchiha sibling reincarnationish thing, and also someone who was not in the Rookie Nine's generation, so I mashed the two.**

 **I originally wanted her to have Synesthesia, but maybe I'll do something like that on a later date.**

 **(I should also really get around to editing Boredom but shhhhh)**

 **-AndroidSoul**

 **(You can call me whatever though! I really don't care! Whatever suits your needs!)**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: did I mention super irregular updates? No? Welp.**

* * *

Uchiha Itachi liked to think he loved both of his siblings equally.

That wasn't true.

His younger brother, Sasuke, was the epitome of adorable. He followed Itachi around, made cute faces, and played with toys. _Normally._

His little sister, on the other hand, was vastly different.

She was quiet, mostly, but smiled unnervingly at all times. Sometimes, Kazue would break out into laughter over nothing, and, while at first he may have been able to brush it off as mere childishness, she was six now. Whenever she seemed confused over something, her eyes would go blank, and she would tilt her head to the side as her eyelids drooped, as if she were about to fall asleep, and then suddenly Kazue would break out of it, with the answer to her unspoken question.

No one else seemed to notice, how she would make references to things that didn't exist, how she knew things that he knew for a fact she had never seen before, and how sometimes she would express views she's never even been introduced to.

" _Such a cute little girl!"_ They'd exclaim, when she was dressed up for formal outings.

" _Takes after her mother, doesn't she?"_ They'd say when she'd help pour tea and make dinner.

" _It's a shame she doesn't seem to be like you, Itachi."_ They told him after seeing that she was progressing as a normal child should, not noticing her smiling a triumphant smile, and most certainly not noticing that she hid books and scrolls far to advanced for her in various nooks and crannies in her room.

Not noticing how truly unnatural she was.

This wasn't to say that Itachi _didn't_ love her. He did. Very much in fact. After all, it's the big brothers duty to protect his little siblings, right?

* * *

' _Your hair is absolutely ridiculous.'_

IT IS NOT HEADMAN IS DELUSIONAL.

Unfortunately, though, it was quite true. When she was a baby who barely knew how to walk, let alone look at a mirror, Kazue didn't know much about her hair, other than the fact that it's black and went down to her shoulders. Now though, she was staring straight at the back of her head in her three sided mirror, right at the bits that stuck up and curled randomly, like little Sasuke was developing as he grew more hair.

It was so totally _weird_ and that _was not okay._

' _I'm sure it'll be fine. From what I know, no one seemed to really notice how weird Sasuke's hair was in the future.'_

And wasn't the fact that Headman knew the future a strange thought _(because Headman could never be weird never, ever, ever.)_ She didn't ask _how,_ of course, because Headman is never wrong and Kazue has to trust him because he's all she has and ever will have.

In his big fancy throne-like reclining chair Headman gave of guilty vibes. She didn't know why, but she didn't need to know why with Headman.

"Kazue! It's time for your lessons!" Her mother called from somewhere in the vast house.

"Yes ma'am!" She responded automatically. Headman had told her that ma'am and sir were the proper responses to anyone five years and up older then herself, no matter her opinion on them. Kazue's mother had thought it was a cute little quirk and didn't comment much on it these days.

As Kazue turned away from the mirror _(the hair was still there dang it!)_ and ran down the stairs, she tried to recall what today's lesson would be.

' _Calligraphy, but it is being cut short, as mother is taking you shopping today.'_ Headman called helpfully from his relaxed position on what was suddenly an Egyptian style couch.

Thank you Headman.

After another boring lesson of stroke counts and kanji, Mikoto finally stepped in and took her to Auntie Hao's clothes shop, in the north-eastern portion of the Uchiha District.

"Now Kazu-chan, you know that your father is starting you on ninja training soon right?"

' _React excitably. She expects you to want to be a ninja and be overly enthusiastic about it.'_

"Yeah! 'ma be the bestest ninja ever!"

' _I'm going to be the best, not that squabble of peasantry language you just uttered.'_

"And you know that all ninjas have special ninja outfits, correct?" Her mother smiled as she nodded rapidly. "Well, I want you to try and pick out one for yourself!" She paused, her smile twitching. "Just… make sure you run everything by me first, okay?"

"Yes ma'am!" Kazue exclaimed as she ran through the aisles of varying versions of the standard high collar Uchiha gear. Headman had switched to an office chair and was sitting straighter then he had all day.

' _Alright then… Let me pick this, alright Kazue?'_

Of course Headman! She relinquished control to him. You see, Headman usually let her do things on her own with a few offhand comments of advice, but sometimes he felt it best that he did things for her, just to be safe. They discovered this ability when Kazue had first been tested for intelligence and Headman was worried she might give something away.

' _Tell me if you don't like it.'_ His voice reverberated around her Mind Room, which she had finally sorted into some sort of order which heavily resembled Headman's. Though, what he said didn't make much sense, because Headman always chose what was best for her.

Eventually, Headman came to a stop at a Uchiha standard blue, longer than normal, high collared, half sleeved jacket, yanked it off of the rack, as well as a dark grey long sleeved shirt and black pants that stopped at her thighs. All in all, typical Uchiha style, but enough differences to normally stand out as much as expected from a young child. Headman was really amazing. As he ran to mother, they switched out and Kazue accidentally fell and cried out, which caused her mother to come running.

' _Oops. Sorry, Kazue.'_

As her mother was alternatively switching between complimenting her choice in clothes and fretting over her physical health, Kazue hurriedly reassured Headman that it wasn't his fault and she really should have been more prepared, all the while marveling over his genius outfit picking skills.

Kazue really would be lost without him, wouldn't she?

* * *

 **AN: So now we get to see not only some character description, not only Kazue's reliance on Headman, but also Itachi! Wow. I'm impressed with myself. Really. (notreallybutmeh) Um. You can expect the next update from anywhere between tomorrow and next month? Maybe? Sorry, I just have a lot to do, and not enough time for this…**

 **I hope you liked it anyways?**

 **-AndroidSoul (or whatever you refer to me as? Android? Souly? I have no idea?**


	3. Chapter 3

**Age 6**

Headman didn't know whether to be amused or exasperated.

Kazue was currently telling him why, with mental PowerPoint slides and graphs and charts, she should _"totally be the top kunoichi in school or maybe at least in the top five!"_ Being honest, it was quite convincing, and as he listened to her rambling on about how every one would expect it from an Uchiha heiress, he actually considered it.

As Kazue barreled through another slide on how not being first would embarrass the clan and her father would be so disappointed, Headman shifted his position from that of a bored student with his face leaning against his fist to one of a slightly contemplative judge about to deliver judgement (their shared mind space produced a gavel to fit the image). Kazue took the hint and quickly shut up.

There was a tense silence as Headman, who was always one for dramatics, slowly stood up, hands pressed firmly against the school desk Kazue insisted he sit behind for the duration of the presentation.

"..." He let the lull in conversation continue on for a moment before passing his jurisdiction on the subject. "Fine."

"But Headman I really-"Kazue cut herself off, the words sinking in. "…Oh." She then proceeded to quite literally bounce off the walls in excitement, toppling over _carefully stacked bookcases damnit Kazue!_

"Girl!" He barked, and that ought to get her back to her normal, mature state, as she knew that when he didn't refer to her with her name that he was disappointed in her, which she immediately would try to remedy, causing her to shut up and listen to whatever he had to say next. "You are testing my patience." That should make her realize that acting against him would result in the retracting of his previous statement. "If you're going to be the top of your class, you're going to have to work hard." Judging by her age, and the academy class sitting around them in the lecture hall, listening to the Hokage giving an impossibly long speech, she was going to graduate with Team Gai, his little sister's favorite team, which meant that she was going to have to deal with Rock Lee, Hyuuga Neji, and Tenten… whatever her last name was. All three were genii in their own right, making the competition for spot number one difficult, though if he remembered correctly (which he most certainly did) Lee was quite incompetent in everything but taijutsu, and Tenten was average enough. The real competition was Neji. "I won't accept anything less than the best."

* * *

Kazue walked home from school, an entourage of other Academy-attending Uchiha children in various positions behind her, and contemplated her day.

First and foremost, her success in the morning with Headman was absolutely amazing and she was going to be the best student ever. Secondly, Hyuuga Neji was the jerkiest of jerks who was totally going down.

You see, after the Hokage had finished his unnecessarily long speech, their teacher, a lovely woman named Hanada Maki, lead them to their classroom. It was a similar layout to that of Headman's lecture hall that he used occasionally to teach her something about brains while her body slept. She, of course, followed her father's lesson to always have the entire room visible and sat in the back middle row. _(Not in the window seat, Kazue. That's where main characters sit.)_ Apparently, another person had the same idea, as soon she was accompanied by a boy (or maybe a girl?) with long brown hair pushed back from his face paired with pale lavender eyes, face set in a serious frown. Headman had apparently decided to leave her to her own devices, which was slightly worrying, but nothing she couldn't handle, probably. Being the nice, normal six year old that she was, she decided to strike up a friendly conversation with the boy.

"Hello!" She smiled at the Headman-like scowl that was turned her way. It was a scowl of mild irritation and seriousness, but it was a baby scowl that was nothing compared to Headman's and any member of her family. "I'm Uchiha Kazue!" His baby scowl turned into one of surprise and maybe a hint of competitiveness, which was understandable, as the Hyuuga and the Uchiha weren't too friendly towards each other, and he was most certainly a Hyuuga.

"Hyuuga Neji." Apparently his need for courtesy outweighed his ingrained from birth need to be better than any Uchiha (she should know, she got the same treatment). He also seemingly was done with what meager conversation she had managed to make, and turned back to the front of the room. Rude.

Maki-sensei (who was totally awesome and nice but also at the same time looked _totally intimidating oh my gosh)_ started talking to them about their curriculum (and _there_ Headman was, taking notes), which consisted of Konoha's history, chakra theory, math (which Headman said was far more advanced than he was learning when he was her age), and physical education. She then handed out some weird test thing that was a bit easy (though Headman had made her get a few questions wrong), and when she commented that to her desk mate, he sniffed at her. _Sniffed!_ She had never been more surprised in her life! Her Always-Smile faltered! But then Headman advised her to stop perusing conversation from the Hyuuga and deal with a lack of conversation with her peers in school life. Fine.

Throughout the day Neji continued to be rude and mean and sniffy. Which was fine. Absolutely great! Because Kazue was going to be the best and Neji was _going to go down._

"Kazue-nee-san!" Ah. Sasuke. The bane of her short existence. Snapping out of her reminiscence, Kazue scrambled to get out of the way from a flying hug incoming from the right.

Sasuke was… Kazue had mixed feelings about Sasuke. On one hand, he was her totally cute little brother. On the other, Headman had a severe dislike for him, and he also could be pretty annoying, so she typically took to ignoring him as best she could, while also keeping him satisfied with small spurts of affection. It was tiring and difficult, but she could deal.

Sasuke quickly recovered from the failure in his expedition and turned back to her. "Did you learn any super sweet ninja moves?!" He literally had sparkles in his eyes. So adorable. (Headman gave off a small vibe of disapproval, but Sasuke was her brother, and he was only five, so he was still a baby! She couldn't see what was wrong…)

Kazue gave him a half smile and shrugged. "It's only the first day Sasuke…" Gumdrops. She never knew how to act around him, which was stupid, because _he was her cute brother Headman seriously_. Sasuke visibly deflated. Fudge. If he cried she would be in so much trouble with Mother. "But! Father taught me Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu recently! I'm really not too good at it but I could show you?" Sasuke inflated again.

"Yeah! Could you Kazue-nee-san?" Headman's vibe of disapproval grew slightly, and she suddenly was having second thoughts, but Sasuke was looking at her with so much love and adoration and she was his _sister_ darn it! This was in her job description! If she couldn't do this one measly thing for her little brother, she would be the worst sister ever!

"I can."

Sasuke's following smile made her believe she had made the right choice.

* * *

 **AN: Hello again! This update came a little earlier, and is bit longer than the other two, so I hope you like it!  
You guys? Are super nice? Like, I'm blushing all the way to next week ahhhgggg**

 **Um! I have a Tumblr for if you have any questions or you want to talk or something! My username is ahgck, so…. Yeah!**

 **I have nothing else to say, so I hope you have a good weekend!**

 **-AndroidSoul**


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